Life in Love and Future Me

This week is shaping up to be, well, odd.  Inspiring, emotional, informative, painful, and odd.  It’s this freaky universe bringing a whole lot of my past full circle and perhaps giving me some much needed closure of it all just in time for something wonderful to begin.

This applies to many facets of my life. I’m moving into a new apartment just as everything in the one I’m in seems to fall apart. I’ve decided to visit my family in a few weeks when I didn’t think it was going to happen and I’m glad to have the opportunity because I feel like they are falling apart. The facet I wanted to focus on in this post was the incredible full circle brought about in my love life.

Monday night I met with Sky. It was a hard thing to do because we didn’t know where we stood with each other anymore. Basically he wanted to finally have the talk I had requested weeks ago because he wanted to let me know he is now dating my friend. We forgave each other and when I left I felt good. I felt like even though it was hard to accept, the book was finally closed and we were both happy moving on.

Yesterday I ran home to see if the plumbers destroyed my apartment. They had. While I was there I checked my mail. In my mailbox I found Casey’s wedding invitation. There was closure here long ago but something about getting that invitation made me stop and think through that entire relationship and all that we gained from it. It was nice.  Then I realized I had a package to pick up.

The package was from Mike. It contained a really thoughtful gift he got for me at some point before we truly ended things. It also contained a seven page letter that I hope brought him some closure.  It was, honest. Not entirely accurate from my perspective and a little hurtful, but honest.  I still have to write my return letter here but I’m not afraid to do it anymore and I think the process will only help both of us.  I’m thankful for this.

After all of this I went home for a bit. I let thoughts rattle through my brain as I digested it all. I have a lot of guilt associated with all of these relationships so there is a lot to digest. Then I went to the home of a man that likes his anonymity.  He cooked me dinner. We drank wine. We talked for a long time in complete and utter comfort. I felt happy.

Today as I checked my e-mail I received an e-mail from myself. What? Yes. I don’t even remember doing this. Apparently 8 months ago I stumbled upon the website FutureMe.org and decided to write myself a little letter that would be delivered at a random date. Here is what I had to say to myself: 

Dear FutureMe, 
You started therapy last night. The guy was actually pretty cool and helpful. You are too hard on yourself. Everything will be okay. Just take care of yourself mentally. You are capable of so much more than you know. Take a chance. Please, today, for me, for us... take a chance in some little way. Maybe some big way. Do something. You deserve it. You deserve to have a really wonderful fulfilling life where you feel good about yourself. Feel good about your talent, responsibility, and relations with friends/ lovers. Every minute you waste you never get back. Time is valuable. Use it. Love yourself. Enjoy the love from the people you care about. Use it. Make an impact. Go.

I wonder what will happen tomorrow.

White Liars Fundraiser - Lap Dancing Take 2

How on earth did I forget to post this? White Liars is back with Season 2 and I'm in the fundraising video.


I can't wait to receive my dirty T-Shirt!

Not What I Expected

I thought this experience would be exciting.
I was wrong.

So, I'm in this play full of one acts. I was really excited to be a part of it because it has been a long time since I've been a part of a cast. I was all pumped up about spending time working on the project and getting to be backstage with my cast mates. I was looking forward to the whole process that I've grown accustomed to throughout my life in theater. That's, well, that's not what happened.

We are entering our second week of shows tonight. I'm actually dreading going to the theater. I've never felt that way before. It's not that I don't like the show. In fact, I think the show is rather impressive and high quality as you would expect from this theater company. The problem is that I don't feel like I'm a part of the show.  I don't know if anyone feels like they are a part of it.

My rehearsal process consisted of me memorizing my monologue and then meeting up with my amazing director a few times to make it suck less. That has been the best part of my experience. I've never had the chance to watch all the other acts. We never rehearsed together. I still don't know the names of several people in the show.  We never bonded. We don't warm up together. There isn't any reason to. Instead I show up, warm up alone, put on my costume, and sit full of anxiety in the lobby until it's time for my piece. After the show I change back and go home. Maybe I'll grab a drink with a friend or two and talk about the pieces. I do enjoy that I suppose.

Another issue I'm having is that I'm alone on stage and I'm feeling insecure. I thought I would be okay. I'm alone on stage all the time when I'm singing or hosting. Somehow in this particular setting I'm feeling extremely judged. I'm so afraid that I have to prove my worth. The hour before I go on I try to get into my character which is a very aggravated and negative mindset. I try to focus and sometimes it's fine but sometimes I think I might vomit or run out the door and never speak to any of those people ever again.

I'm sure a big part of my anxiety is coming from the fact the my ex is in the show. He is apparently screwing our friend that plays his wife.  That is none of my business but I have to admit it hurts my feelings to be waiting by the entrance those last few minutes before my monologue and instead of being able to focus I'm forced to stand next to the two of them as they rub all over each other. I really honestly don't want to care but it seems intentional and that's cruel.

Yeah, that's definitely adding to the anxiety. I really thought it was going to be a positive experience. I was so excited and proud to be in the show.  I suppose there is still hope that it changes and I'm suddenly confident and full of pride for our production. I love my piece and I want to do it justice. I'll try to make that change. It's in my hands.

A New Day

I'm Feeling Good

Fragments

Today is a day. Another day like all the rest.  A confusing day. A day of intense emotions splitting me into a million little pieces. Causing great anxiety. Forcing me to face the future. Forcing me to acknowledge the inevitable. Forcing me to realize that all things change. Nothing lasts. 

How is it possible to feel crushed and empowered at the same time?

How is it possible to feel the death and birth of love at the same time?

I think I mourn the loss of relationships with people far too much for my own good. It harms me physically. This can’t be normal. Can it? Is it? How did I develop this?  It makes me apprehensive of new people. Actually, I’m great at meeting new people but it makes me fearful when feelings start to develop.  When they become important to me they are a danger to me.

Well, what can I do but continue living and taking the joy where I can when it’s available?

Such is life.

A Girl Wrote It

I'm in a show. It opens next week. I'm nervous as hell.

A Girl Wrote It is back again after its critical success in 2011.  This year, Wide Eyed Productions has upped the ante by bringing together some of the most gifted emerging and established female playwrights being produced today. 

From first flings and early love to failing bonds, exploration, and erotic courtship, the five stories in this year’s A Girl Wrote It will present comedies and dramas that explore relationships and contemporary issues which press and spark our imaginations.

So they are letting me do this pretty kick-ass monologue that I'm really excited about. Perhaps there will be pictures. Perhaps video? Perhaps I will even share it with you. If you live around here you might even want to come see it.

Also, they did a little interview about me and posted it RIGHT HERE.  The editor was kind enough to soften me up a bit so I wouldn't offend anyone or burn bridges with my old school.  Funny. Anyhoodle, go take a gander at it.  I'll be here drinking my sangria and pretending to work while talking to myself. It's fun practicing my monologue at work. I list all the things I hate and my coworker thinks I've finally totally lost it. She is probably googling the number for an institution right now. See you all in group therapy.

xoxo
Knight

What The?

I feel the need to write the obvious. If you are a real friend of mine or are somehow in my real life.... don't take my blog so fucking seriously. Some of the things I say are sarcasm or over-exaggerated. You need to take these things into consideration especially if I am not aware that you are reading this personal info of mine. It's just a damn blog. It's not really a diary or I wouldn't make it public.